Failed Expectations
by YourLovelyMajesty
Summary: Takes place during Mass Effect 3 after Priority: Tuchanka. Kolyat is aboard the Normandy as part of the team, but Shepard hasn't taken him on a mission. While he struggles with the weight of his father's legacy and his inexperience in comparison, Shepard receives troubling news about the Citadel.


_Kolyat,_

_ You've expressed to me many times your excitement to join Shepard's team. I tried to dissuade her in this matter but there is little I can deny you. As a child I learned the killing arts, and although you are a young man now, there are still some things I feel are not made for new generations. I won't say whether you should learn or not—this is not my place, even as your father—but I will warn you that battle is tiresome. If you let it, it will consume you._

_ When I scolded you before you left, it wasn't meant as an attack. There are many things I've tried to tell you before you left. Communicating is still difficult for me, but I can put them into written words knowing you feel my love and severity. I'm worried about you. I'm scared for you. You are the last light I have in my universe._

_ I'm proud you want to join the effort, and Shepard is a wonderful teacher, but you must always keep your wits about you. Shepard is strong, not infallible. She will teach you and protect you, but she cannot save you. Remember that._

_ I'm sorry for the way I acted when we last spoke. Please message me soon. Please be careful._

_ With love,_

_ Thane_

Kolyat had read the message four times. He could see his father bent over his datapad fretting how to sign. Thane, Father, Dad—it made no difference, Kolyat could feel the apology and love between every word.

It was somewhat new, and still strange, to know his father was out there and loved him. If he wanted to, Kolyat could call him right now and talk. He'd never had that before.

True to his word, after Thane's deadly mission to the Collector's base, they spent every day catching up and learning how to be a family. They struggled, but they were getting better at it. After Thane began staying in the hospital for treatments, they had nothing but time to talk and wander the Citadel. One of Kolyat's favorite trips happened when Thane pointed out security flaws, entrances that seemingly didn't exist, and five ways to hack a keypad.

"How do you know all of this?" Kolyat had asked.

"When your life depends on it, you can learn anything," Thane replied with a sheepish smile.

So Kolyat wanted to learn. He had some gun skills already from his short-lived career as an assassin. Not that he ever killed any of his targets. He came so close to pulling the trigger each time, but there was always something wrong about it. He didn't have it in him. Shepard could help, though. If Kolyat didn't have it in him to murder for credits, maybe he could fight for justice. So with a little bribery, he had been part of the crew for two weeks and had yet to go on a mission.

Shepard was currently away on Tuchanka. Kolyat had hoped she would choose him to help the krogan homeworld but was disappointed when she left with Liara and James in tow. So what if he was inexperienced? He wouldn't get any better without practice.

Kolyat sat down his datapad and rubbed his eyes. Thane's words were there. He had read them so many times they were etched behind his eyelids.

He still didn't have anything to write about.

He wanted his first letter aboard the Normandy to be filled with heroics, something that would make his father proud. So far Shepard had kept him safely tucked away on the ship.

_Your 'warrior angel' won't let me prove myself because she thinks I'm too young and inexperienced_ wasn't going to make anyone proud. Although it could help in his favor. If Thane heard Kolyat wasn't treated fairly, maybe Thane would guilt Shepard into bringing him along on missions. But did he really want his dad defending him?

Kolyat sighed. "How do you do it?"

"Do what?" Ashley asked. She sat on the other end of the couch in the starboard observation, reading a badly beaten and yellowed book.

He didn't realize he spoke out loud but he couldn't let the awkward silence hang.

"Do … this," he said, and motioned around the room. "The waiting. Is Joker the only one allowed to listen to the radio?"

"The waiting's tough. It's always kind of been like this, though. Back before I found Shepard, I was used to working in squads of four and ten—well, sometimes more, sometimes less. Shepard likes to keep things tight and personal. When I first came aboard with her, I wasn't used to being left behind, but I sat on my hands anyway. The fear of losing teammates is everyday stuff. You never get used to it. You just deal with it."

"So how did you convince Shepard to take you with her? You're old friends. Why aren't you out there?"

"You're young, so I don't expect you to understand."

Kolyat immediately bristled at the derision in her voice. So _what_ if he was young? He could still fight. That was the whole reason he was here and yet no one gave him a chance.

"It's because I can only shoot a gun, isn't it? I don't have biotics like my dad so Shepard's passing me up because I lack the right kind of skills."

Ashley frowned. "See, now you're starting to _sound_ like a rookie." She set her book aside and leaned forward. "Kid, everyone here has a certain set of skills. If you think all you can do is shoot, then why are any of us here? Shepard values us as more than skills—we're people and friends to her. If you're gonna be here, you have to want it and show Shepard you're more than your gun."

"How do I do that?" Kolyat asked, trying his best not to sound sulky.

"You'll see. Shepard will find you. She checks on everyone pretty regularly."

With that, the Spectre grabbed her book and returned her full attention to it. The ship hummed with silence. How could everyone stay calm? Sound didn't travel in space but Kolyat saw the explosions from the bridge, he heard the radio transmissions about the Reaper. He wanted to suit up and jump in, man the ship cannons—anything to help. That was when Joker told him novices weren't allowed on the bridge. So Kolyat went to the starboard observation, away from the battle, his nerves badly shaken, and waited.

_These people are crazy. How can they just wait?_

It paid off later when EDI's voice washed through the ship, "Commander on deck." Kolyat checked the time; two hours and forty minutes. Trying to be casual, he gathered his things and went for the elevator. He tried not to run. EDI wouldn't lie; it had to be Shepard.

When he was on the main deck, the team stood by the airlock fully suited. James had his helmet thrown on the floor and was quickly working on his gauntlets while Liara took her time. Shepard was already on the bridge talking to a krogan on screen. It sounded like the mission was a success.

"How did it go?" Kolyat asked Liara.

She crossed her arms over her chest. "We took down a Reaper. Well, I should say the mother of all thresher maws took down a Reaper."

"It was one wild ride," James said, tossing his cuirass aside. He bent for his cuisse next. "Wish you coulda been there, newbie. You would've loved it."

"Unfortunately we lost an ally. Mordin. He sacrificed himself just to secure the alliance with the krogan."

"I'm sure that's rough," Kolyat said. He couldn't think of anything else to say. Was it hard to lose an ally? Someone you knew but didn't _know?_

"Hopefully you never find out, kid," said James. He started to gather up his discarded armor and left for the elevator. "I'm going to clean up. Gotta get the chunks outta my hair, you know?"

Liara shook her head and silently continued to shed her armor in the bay door. Kolyat stood in the hall trying to be unassuming. Shepard was still talking—this time it was a quarian on screen. She mentioned something about a geth. What exactly was Shepard getting them into? Kolyat inched his way towards the bridge but knew he was caught when Liara cleared her throat.

"Why don't you wait below, Kolyat? Shepard will need some time. She visits with everyone. Don't worry, she'll find you." She offered a sad, tired attempt at a smile.

_The same thing Ashley said. Shepard visits everyone but me. Shepard takes everyone but me._

What did he do wrong?

Kolyat went to the port lounge, deflated. He wanted a quiet place to himself but so far he only a bunk in the crew quarters. When he first arrived, EDI offered Life Support for him to stay. He learned later that Thane liked the small room and spent most of his time there. He couldn't handle the ghost of his father aboard the ship. The idea of staying where he had been, trying to emulate his calm demeanor, was too much for Kolyat and he chose the crew quarters instead.

_They thought I would replace him. I can't. I'm worthless compared to him and they know it._

Kolyat slumped on the couch and waited. And waited.

He fell asleep without a chance to talk to Shepard.

* * *

><p>It was difficult to tell time in space—thankfully the Normandy's clock and calendar were synched with Citadel Standard Time. According to the calendar, two days passed since they left the Aralakh System and landed near the Citadel itself. Two days since Kolyat saw Shepard.<p>

She lived up to the title of Spectre. He only saw glimpses of her as she walked through the halls. He didn't want to believe she was ignoring him but the evidence was strong. Was he even allowed to approach her on his own? His stomach flipped with the thought. He didn't want to break some unspoken rule and get kicked off the ship, but he couldn't stand for it much longer. He wanted answers. Why didn't he get to join the fireteam?

Kolyat sat in the port lounge again. Two Alliance officers sat on the couch while he chose the more secluded poker table. A blank message was open on the datapad in front of him. He couldn't think of the right words to tell Thane.

_ Dad,_

_ I don't know what Shepard's deal is but she's ignored me ever since I got here. I asked some of the crew and they all say wait. Shepard will come to me, they said. I'm starting to think they're all in on the joke. Was it like this when you were here? Did they treat you like a freak too?_

_ What am I saying? You have something to offer to the team. Maybe Shepard found out I can't replace you. That's what everyone expected—Thane Krios Mk. II—but I'll never live up to your reputation. Shepard doesn't give me a chance to even prove myself. Are my limited skills that bad? Do you think she still sees me as that pouty kid in C-Sec?_

Someone knocked on the glass partition. Kolyat jumped. He didn't know if she was real or not, but Shepard stood in the doorway.

"Everything okay? Your typing sounded awfully angry," she said, leaning her shoulder against the glass.

Kolyat discarded the draft and put the datapad on stand-by. "I'm fine," he muttered. "Is there a reason you're suddenly talking to me?"

Shepard frowned. Stupidly, he realized how immature that sounded.

"Sorry, that wasn't what I meant," he said quickly and sat up straight. "What did you need?"

"Just wanted to check on you, see how things are going. May I sit?"

He nodded and Shepard claimed the chair across from him. He didn't notice them leave but the two officers were gone; Shepard must have sent them scurrying when she entered.

"So how are you adjusting to ship life? Sleeping alright?"

He shrugged. It _was_ strange being in a silent vessel. He was used to noisy street life; voices, cars, animals. All the Normandy did was hum.

"I'm sorry we haven't had much time to talk. Just last year I was working as a rogue agent and now that I'm back on Alliance payroll, it's been tough to readjust to strict time management." She laughed a little, almost embarrassed. "Admiral Hackett has really been pushing me lately so I haven't had a lot of time to check in with everyone. You know the Reapers are already on Earth; he wants that to be my first priority. What he doesn't realize is that I'm committed to helping more than just humans. The Reapers are everywhere. _Everyone_ is in danger."

She sighed and rolled her shoulders. "Sorry, I didn't mean to lay this out. I just feel stretched so thin, you know? Normally I would visit Thane—he had amazing meditation techniques and sound advice. Your father helped me more than he will probably ever know."

Kolyat flushed with a burst of anger. So she really did expect him to replace Thane. He didn't understand what she was going through; he couldn't give any good advice. What was he supposed to say?

"Have you heard anything from Thane lately?"

"He didn't say anything about his condition," Kolyat replied, his words stiff on his tongue. "I know he hates the hospital. He mentioned your visit, how he's keeping up with his martial arts. 'While I still can,' that's how he put it. I hate it when he talks like that."

"I'm sure everything will be fine. The doctor's are doing all that they can."

"I guess." Like being on the Normandy, he hated the waiting. He wanted a message that said doctors performed a miracle, Thane was going home healthier than ever. Kolyat had nightmares about the message that would ask him to start funeral preparations.

"Well, I can help take your mind off the worry for a little while. It's something you might be interested in." Shepard folded her hands on the table in a way Kolyat knew; it was Thane's habit, down to the unconscious habit of keeping the middle and ring finger together. "When we tried to dock, Thane picked up our signal. Apparently Cerberus couldn't wait to launch an attack. I need a good team for this. Are you ready for your first assault?"

Kolyat's chest tightened, his anger forgotten. Without thinking, he jumped from his chair. "Where's Dad now?"


End file.
